Wednesday, August 24, 2011

I accept

Today I would like to accept my award for WORST BLOGGER EVER.  Seriously, it's been since May since I've updated.  May.  That's like 1/3 of my pregnancy.  And since I didn't update for the first 1/3 of my pregnancy either, that means I'm in the last 1/3 of my...pregnancy. Yup, you read it here first.  I'm in the third trimester.

The twins grow a lot each week.  And they move a lot.  So far, we've got a nursery 80% ready (I have a lot of gifts from last week's baby shower to put away and a few pieces of furniture left to pick up).  We have enough clothes to keep both girls clothed for the first year or more of their lives - most of these clothes being hand me downs from my sister's kids and my best friend's daughter.  We even have two car seats.  AND names. 

So I probably haven't updated because I've been so busy doing everything to prepare.  The shock has worn off and I'm now ready to take on the job of mom to twins.  They are identical.  They are girls.  They are going to be spoiled senseless once they come out.  :)

Monday, May 2, 2011


I realize I've been MIA but I promise it's been for a good reason.

I'm having babies.

Yes, babies.  As in more than one (two to be exact). 

Once the news hit, it was pretty much all I could do to try to function normally and, you know, go to work.  Now that I've had some time to let it sink in, I feel better. 

Babies.  Twins.  Due in November. 

Before I start getting "THE questions" I'll go ahead and answer them.

Yes, we were trying.
Yes, they are natural.  I'm not sure what an artificial twin is, but I assume you are asking if we had infertility treatments.  The answer is no.  We did this all by ourselves.
They are identical. 
That means they will either both be boys or girls.  No, you cannot have one girl and one boy if they are identical because then they wouldn't be very identical would they?
Of course I've gained weight.  I'm pregnant.  With twins.
No, I am not overwhelmed with the thought of taking care of them.  They're babies.  I got a two for one deal.  I'm an efficient person so I can handle this. 
Yes, I will continue to work after I have them.  I have never wanted to be a stay at home mom.  That's just not going to change.

Ok, those are the answers to the top 7 questions I get asked on a daily basis.  If you have something new, feel free to ask!

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Please refrain from hitting on my husband...k? Thanks...

There comes a time in every married woman's wife when she realizes she's not the only person who finds her husband attractive.  I mean, we should all KNOW this, but it's like when that ring goes on you think it's a protective barrier of some sort...the ring means taken and taken means no one else is going to look at him like I do again.

It just sucks that it doesn't work out that way, doesn't it?

I've listened to all my (single) girlfriends complain over the past few years about how all the good ones are already married and I think to myself "Yup!  And I GOT HIM!"  Because in my mind, of course, there is only ONE good one.  But he's wearing that protective barrier of a ring so no one else notices, right?  Right.  Ugh...wrong.

A little over a year ago (has it been that long???) the hubby's exgirlfriend started trying to contact him.  He didn't let it happen because of the protective barrier.  And the one time she did get a message through to him he told her to leave him alone.  He is the best hubs ever.  She took it fairly well and has stopped trying to make contact.

More recently, when the hubs and I have been at the gym, I've noticed girls taking a "liking" to him.  Let me remind you, he NEVER leaves the house without the protective barrier ring.  Ever.  But it's like that ring is a beacon now.  It's calling to them.  "He's a good one...someone else married need to try to get him..."  Seriously girls?  Have we no self respect?  Hell, forget the self respect, have we no respect for a marriage?  Have we no respect for God (if you believe in God, that is)?

I've seen a lot of marriages end because of the "other woman."  Luckily my hubs is faithful and caring and puts up his own barrier when someone tries to break through, but some of my friends haven't been so lucky.  SO, why is it that women can't realize that he, whoever he may be, is married to someone else?  And that marriage may be important to him so maybe you shouldn't be chasing him around the track asking if your panty line is showing?  I let hubs handle all these inquiries, until someone touches him.  Then, if need be, I will attack.  It's happened.  Once.  I came out unscathed. 

Side note: I do realize that people do cheat.  I also realize that there could come a time that hubs could cheat on me.  I don't think he would, I think our love is stronger than that, but it's a possibility.  I would just prefer that women stop dangling themselves in front of him.  If he's interested, trust me, he'll come to you.  After all, he came to me that night many many years ago and we've been together ever since.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

My mother

My friends and I jokingly refer to my mom as Emily Gilmore.  If you don't understand that reference, simply pick any episode of Gilmore Girls and watch it.  THEN you will understand.  This morning, she called.  The conversation went something like this:

Mom:  "Are you coming to [the town I live in which is 20 miles away from your work] today?" 
Me: "Nope.  Why?" 
Mom: "I need a ride back to [the town you work in]." 
Me: "Um, ok........" 
Mom: "I have to pick up my [insanely expensive gas guzzling vehicle] from the dealership and I can't get to [the town where you work] unless you come get me." 
Me: "I'm at work." 
Mom: "Don't you NEED to come this way today?" 
Me: "No, I need to work." 
Mom: "Can't you come up with a reason to go by [a client's office]?" 
Me: "Not really." 
Mom: "But I have to get my [gas guzzling vehicle] so I can go on vacation!"  
Me: "Why don't you have the dealership bring it to you?" 
Mom: "That would cost me $20!" 
Me: "Um, ok, but if I leave work, drive to [the town where you live], pick you up, and drive back to [the town where I work], that will cost me $200 in billable time." 
Mom: "So?" 
Me: "That's more than $20." 
Mom: "But that's your money." 
Me: "Find another ride." 
Mom: "I don't KNOW anyone other than you and [your sibling] who would be coming to [the town where I live]." 
Me: "And?" 
Mom: "And you're my daughter!" 
Me: "I'm your daughter who works.  Find another ride." 
Mom: "Well, I never..."
Me: "Me either either..."

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Super Bowl Party Part 2

Although our Super Bowl Party was not as fun as I had hoped (for me at least, the uninvited children had a BLAST), Hubs and I did have some good laughs about it later.  As in last night, as we cleaned barbecue sauce off the wall and the cabinets. 

As I mentioned earlier, I didn't get to watch much of the game or many of the commercials.  But Hubs filled me in on what I missed.  I have to start this story by saying that chatty wife is a very religious lady.  Which is great.  I think it's awesome that she feels so strongly about God and religion and being morally correct.  But sometimes, for entertainment value, morals can be loose and I'm ok with that.  Especially when it comes to Super Bowl commercials.

Apparently there was a commercial with Kim Kardashian (I found a link!!!).  When this commercial aired, chatty wife told her husband to cover his eyes because it was so risque.  She looked to me for backup but apparently at the time I was staring at her son as he bounced chicken off my wall so I didn't know what was so upsetting to her.  I did, however, know what was so upsetting to ME at the time...

Prior to that, during the halftime show, Fergie was dancing with Slash in a provocative manner.  She again told her husband to cover his eyes and said to everyone in the room "I just can't believe that they would show things like this on television!"  Hubs told me he heard her say that and ran from the kitchen to the living room so he could see what was going on, fully expecting her to be talking about a Janet Jackson-ish wardrobe malfunction.  She wasn't.  Fergie was simply rubbing up against Slash.  Needless to say, Hubs was greatly disappointed. 

The one commercial I did see, and apparently was able to offend chatty wife during, was a Go Daddy commercial where Jillian and Danica look like they could be nude.  Chatty wife said "Oh no!  Can you believe that?  They are NAKED!"  I responded "If I had Jillian Michaels body I'd do a nude commercial..."  Hubs told me that Chatty wife was standing near him when I said that and said to him "Can you believe she said that?"  Hubs responded "If she had Jillian Michaels body I would totally support her in that dream." 

Quite possibly my favorite commercial that offended Chatty wife featured Faith Hill.  When he said "Your rack is unreal" Chatty wife screeched in horror and said "Oh no!  I can't believe someone would say something like that!"  Everyone else in the room (including her husband) was laughing.  She actually slapped her husband and said "Don't you DARE laugh at that!  That's vulgar!"  Hubs later told me I should fully expect to receive flowers next week that have that same thing on the card.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Super Bowl Etiquette

Hubs and I had a Super Bowl party last night.  We were excited about having people over and having an alcohol free party (Super Bowl Sunday is the only non-alcoholic night in our house).  We told people the party would start "around kickoff."  Perhaps I should have been more specific.

Because when someone tells me that a party starts "around Kickoff" I find out what time kickoff is (6:30) and then I show up about 15 minutes prior.  Why?  Because it's the right thing to do.  Why?  Because if there is food and if you need to put food out you need TIME to do so.  So yesterday I put out all of our food at 6 pm, made the punch and sat down on the couch.  At 6:40 people started to arrive.  10 minutes AFTER kickoff?

These people are so NOT football fans.  Have I mentioned I AM a football fan?

One couple brought wings.  But they weren't cooked!  They had to be cooked.  So I had to go to the kitchen (out of view of the tv) and help the wife put the wings in the oven because, apparently, my oven is too complicated to work if you don't have an advanced degree.

Oh and did I mention this wife wanted to chit chat the entire night?  I was watching football and I was watching for the commercials.  And I couldn't do either of the things I was wanting to do during the Super Bowl because she would not stop talking to me.  I'm cool with sporadic conversation.  But it was non-stop.  And it was all about her child.

Hubs and I are childless currently.  Our house is not child friendly, lots of glass, lots of sharp corners, lots of things for kids to get hurt on.  The party was supposed to be child free.  But sometime, just after half time, those who had left kids with babysitters had their kids dropped off at our house!!!  Suddenly there were small children running around my living room, bumping into my glass TV stand, spilling punch all over my end tables, THROWING chicken wings against my walls!  It was...traumatizing.  Even worse?  The parents weren't stopping them.  At one point, I corrected a little boy who was standing on my La-z-boy leather recliner and almost flipped it backwards.  And chatty wife?  Got onto me for doing it!  "He's not your child!" she said.  I responded "But it is my chair he's about to destroy."

By the time they all left, at 11, I was angry, exhausted and beyond annoyed.  If I hadn't specifically said "No kids" to them, I would understand...but they ALL knew and they still had their kids dropped off.  It was like a conspiracy.  10 couples at my house, a few singles and then suddenly the 6 kids between the 10 couples were here.

And now I have to go clean barbecue sauce off of my walls and carpet...and then I'm going to try to find the Super Bowl commercials online so I can watch them.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

I am not this stupid...usually

I swear, I'm not this stupid.  Really.

Yesterday I had to go grocery shopping and my mind was elsewhere.  I knew what I needed.  Chicken.  Milk.  Cheese.  Easy enough.  Our grocery store has some of the worst "fresh" chicken I've ever tasted though so I was looking for a different brand that might taste better.  And there I see the Perdue Farms chicken breasts.  Individually wrapped so you can use what you want and freeze the rest.  I needed 3 pieces, it came with 5.  I'm thinking "This will work."

SO I do what I always do and read the label.  Mostly to see how many ounces each chicken breast was but something caught my eye.  There in big bold letters were the words:
"Vegetarian Diet."

Huh?  Vegetarian diet?  But it's CHICKEN.  Chicken is not a vegetable.  So I stare at the chicken through the plastic thinking "Is this some kind of soy based fake chicken?  Why would they put soy based fake chicken in the meat section?  Shouldn't this say soy based fake chicken instead of chicken breasts on the label?  HOW IS IT VEGETARIAN???" 

I'm so glad I didn't say any of that out loud.

Because then I realize that it wasn't calling the product was simply stating that the product ATE a vegetarian diet. 

I swear, I am not this stupid.

Friday, January 21, 2011

The House is still standing...barely

So either the crockpot is the safest kitchen appliance EVER or I am one lucky girl.  Seriously.

Yesterday I decided to make a crockpot meal because, let's face it, it's so much easier to dump a bunch of ingredients in a slow cooker, let them cook themselves, and then move on with your day than it is to actually cook dinner.  So I pulled the crockpot from the closet, threw in my ingredients, put it on low and left for the day.

For the DAY.

The meal magically cooked itself, as all crockpot meals do.  We happily ate and I went to start cleaning up the mess.  I noticed as I spooned the remainder of the Swiss Casserole Chicken into a bowl that the stoneware didn't seem to be level in the bottom of the heating base.  I didn't think much of it.  Until I removed the stoneware.

And realized that a Swiffer Duster Refill had somehow landed in the heating base.  It was just laying there.  It wasn't even burnt.  I suppose I could have kept it and used it but I was so shocked to find it in there that I threw it away (as quickly as I could without hubs noticing what I was pulling from the crockpot).

So, one of two things happened.  Either I'm crazy and I store my swiffer duster refills in my crockpot OR when my mom came to visit and we hastily cleaned up the kitchen, MH saw the duster refill laying out, threw it in the closet (with it landing in the heating base) and I then threw the stoneware in the heating base, you know, where it GOES, without realizing the swiffer refill was in there because I'm short and couldn't actually see into the base. 

My bet is the second scenerio is what happened.

Either way, my house did not catch on fire and I am very thankful for that.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

My Aunt Died

It's actually not fair for me to spring that on you like that.  She didn't die recently.  She died almost 2 years ago (well, a year and a half - she died in June of 2009).  Then I had another aunt die last June.  Actually, if you are reading this, and you are my aunt, my best advice is lock yourself in your home for the month of June.  Or not...since both aunts died in their home...

Anyway, to the point.  My aunt died in June of 2009.  My aunt also had a facebook account like every other person in this world, except my grandmothers, they don't do facebook...yet.  Obviously we were facebook friends.  We also have quite a few mutual friends, some friends who requested I be their friend after my aunt died.

My aunt and I have one shared friend in particular.  We'll call her Judy because that's her name.  Judy likes to play all those facebook games.  You know, Farmville, CafeWorld, I-have-no-life-so-I-am-going-to-play-on-facebook-all-day-and-pretend-I-do-Land.  And like all other annoying facebook game players, Judy sends requests to everyone.

Everyone, that is, except me because I have FINALLY figured out how to block people from asking me to nail them...or whatever it is they want me to do.

Judy sends these requests almost daily to my dead aunt.  And everyday when I log in I see "Judy just sent [your aunt] a pie in CafeWorld!" or "Judy wants [your aunt] to come milk her cows in Farmville!" or whatever other thing you do in those games.  Every time my aunt's name pops up it...kind of hurts.  Because she's not there to accept the damn pie and she can't milk a cow, especially not on the freaking computer (hello!  Does anyone else find these games as stupid as I do???).

Recently Judy posted on Aunt's wall and said: "Dearest [M's Aunt]: I know you know my intention is honorable. I keep sending you stuff cause it helps me keep your memory alive. There are people who find it to be disrespectful and cruel....but I don't mean it that way. You know that. I know that. Your husband knows that.  It is all that matters."

Um, really?  Sending her a freaking pie on facebook is keeping her memory alive?  Try again Judy.  Why don't you just admit that when the little box pops up that says "These are your friends playing [whatever game]...who do you want to send [something] to?" you pick my aunt every.single.time because her name is on the list and you pick EVERYONE on the list.  We're not stupid.  Keep her memory alive by putting her picture up in your house, not by flooding her facebook wall with stupid game requests she can't answer!  Especially since her teenage son is also on facebook and sees these stupid game requests you send her, just like I see them.

A part of me would like to get Aunt's password from her husband and log in to her account and start responding to all those requests.  Then post on Judy's wall: "Thank you so much for working so hard to keep my memory alive.  Just for that I've decided to come back from the dead.  And haunt you.  Sweet dreams!"