Thursday, February 10, 2011

My mother

My friends and I jokingly refer to my mom as Emily Gilmore.  If you don't understand that reference, simply pick any episode of Gilmore Girls and watch it.  THEN you will understand.  This morning, she called.  The conversation went something like this:

Mom:  "Are you coming to [the town I live in which is 20 miles away from your work] today?" 
Me: "Nope.  Why?" 
Mom: "I need a ride back to [the town you work in]." 
Me: "Um, ok........" 
Mom: "I have to pick up my [insanely expensive gas guzzling vehicle] from the dealership and I can't get to [the town where you work] unless you come get me." 
Me: "I'm at work." 
Mom: "Don't you NEED to come this way today?" 
Me: "No, I need to work." 
Mom: "Can't you come up with a reason to go by [a client's office]?" 
Me: "Not really." 
Mom: "But I have to get my [gas guzzling vehicle] so I can go on vacation!"  
Me: "Why don't you have the dealership bring it to you?" 
Mom: "That would cost me $20!" 
Me: "Um, ok, but if I leave work, drive to [the town where you live], pick you up, and drive back to [the town where I work], that will cost me $200 in billable time." 
Mom: "So?" 
Me: "That's more than $20." 
Mom: "But that's your money." 
Me: "Find another ride." 
Mom: "I don't KNOW anyone other than you and [your sibling] who would be coming to [the town where I live]." 
Me: "And?" 
Mom: "And you're my daughter!" 
Me: "I'm your daughter who works.  Find another ride." 
Mom: "Well, I never..."
Me: "Me either either..."

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Super Bowl Party Part 2

Although our Super Bowl Party was not as fun as I had hoped (for me at least, the uninvited children had a BLAST), Hubs and I did have some good laughs about it later.  As in last night, as we cleaned barbecue sauce off the wall and the cabinets. 

As I mentioned earlier, I didn't get to watch much of the game or many of the commercials.  But Hubs filled me in on what I missed.  I have to start this story by saying that chatty wife is a very religious lady.  Which is great.  I think it's awesome that she feels so strongly about God and religion and being morally correct.  But sometimes, for entertainment value, morals can be loose and I'm ok with that.  Especially when it comes to Super Bowl commercials.

Apparently there was a commercial with Kim Kardashian (I found a link!!!).  When this commercial aired, chatty wife told her husband to cover his eyes because it was so risque.  She looked to me for backup but apparently at the time I was staring at her son as he bounced chicken off my wall so I didn't know what was so upsetting to her.  I did, however, know what was so upsetting to ME at the time...

Prior to that, during the halftime show, Fergie was dancing with Slash in a provocative manner.  She again told her husband to cover his eyes and said to everyone in the room "I just can't believe that they would show things like this on television!"  Hubs told me he heard her say that and ran from the kitchen to the living room so he could see what was going on, fully expecting her to be talking about a Janet Jackson-ish wardrobe malfunction.  She wasn't.  Fergie was simply rubbing up against Slash.  Needless to say, Hubs was greatly disappointed. 

The one commercial I did see, and apparently was able to offend chatty wife during, was a Go Daddy commercial where Jillian and Danica look like they could be nude.  Chatty wife said "Oh no!  Can you believe that?  They are NAKED!"  I responded "If I had Jillian Michaels body I'd do a nude commercial..."  Hubs told me that Chatty wife was standing near him when I said that and said to him "Can you believe she said that?"  Hubs responded "If she had Jillian Michaels body I would totally support her in that dream." 

Quite possibly my favorite commercial that offended Chatty wife featured Faith Hill.  When he said "Your rack is unreal" Chatty wife screeched in horror and said "Oh no!  I can't believe someone would say something like that!"  Everyone else in the room (including her husband) was laughing.  She actually slapped her husband and said "Don't you DARE laugh at that!  That's vulgar!"  Hubs later told me I should fully expect to receive flowers next week that have that same thing on the card.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Super Bowl Etiquette

Hubs and I had a Super Bowl party last night.  We were excited about having people over and having an alcohol free party (Super Bowl Sunday is the only non-alcoholic night in our house).  We told people the party would start "around kickoff."  Perhaps I should have been more specific.

Because when someone tells me that a party starts "around Kickoff" I find out what time kickoff is (6:30) and then I show up about 15 minutes prior.  Why?  Because it's the right thing to do.  Why?  Because if there is food and if you need to put food out you need TIME to do so.  So yesterday I put out all of our food at 6 pm, made the punch and sat down on the couch.  At 6:40 people started to arrive.  10 minutes AFTER kickoff?

These people are so NOT football fans.  Have I mentioned I AM a football fan?

One couple brought wings.  But they weren't cooked!  They had to be cooked.  So I had to go to the kitchen (out of view of the tv) and help the wife put the wings in the oven because, apparently, my oven is too complicated to work if you don't have an advanced degree.

Oh and did I mention this wife wanted to chit chat the entire night?  I was watching football and I was watching for the commercials.  And I couldn't do either of the things I was wanting to do during the Super Bowl because she would not stop talking to me.  I'm cool with sporadic conversation.  But it was non-stop.  And it was all about her child.

Hubs and I are childless currently.  Our house is not child friendly, lots of glass, lots of sharp corners, lots of things for kids to get hurt on.  The party was supposed to be child free.  But sometime, just after half time, those who had left kids with babysitters had their kids dropped off at our house!!!  Suddenly there were small children running around my living room, bumping into my glass TV stand, spilling punch all over my end tables, THROWING chicken wings against my walls!  It was...traumatizing.  Even worse?  The parents weren't stopping them.  At one point, I corrected a little boy who was standing on my La-z-boy leather recliner and almost flipped it backwards.  And chatty wife?  Got onto me for doing it!  "He's not your child!" she said.  I responded "But it is my chair he's about to destroy."

By the time they all left, at 11, I was angry, exhausted and beyond annoyed.  If I hadn't specifically said "No kids" to them, I would understand...but they ALL knew and they still had their kids dropped off.  It was like a conspiracy.  10 couples at my house, a few singles and then suddenly the 6 kids between the 10 couples were here.

And now I have to go clean barbecue sauce off of my walls and carpet...and then I'm going to try to find the Super Bowl commercials online so I can watch them.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

I am not this stupid...usually

I swear, I'm not this stupid.  Really.

Yesterday I had to go grocery shopping and my mind was elsewhere.  I knew what I needed.  Chicken.  Milk.  Cheese.  Easy enough.  Our grocery store has some of the worst "fresh" chicken I've ever tasted though so I was looking for a different brand that might taste better.  And there I see the Perdue Farms chicken breasts.  Individually wrapped so you can use what you want and freeze the rest.  I needed 3 pieces, it came with 5.  I'm thinking "This will work."

SO I do what I always do and read the label.  Mostly to see how many ounces each chicken breast was but something caught my eye.  There in big bold letters were the words:
"Vegetarian Diet."

Huh?  Vegetarian diet?  But it's CHICKEN.  Chicken is not a vegetable.  So I stare at the chicken through the plastic thinking "Is this some kind of soy based fake chicken?  Why would they put soy based fake chicken in the meat section?  Shouldn't this say soy based fake chicken instead of chicken breasts on the label?  HOW IS IT VEGETARIAN???" 

I'm so glad I didn't say any of that out loud.

Because then I realize that it wasn't calling the product was simply stating that the product ATE a vegetarian diet. 

I swear, I am not this stupid.