I accept

Today I would like to accept my award for WORST BLOGGER EVER.  Seriously, it's been since May since I've updated.  May.  That's like 1/3 of my pregnancy.  And since I didn't update for the first 1/3 of my pregnancy either, that means I'm in the last 1/3 of my...pregnancy. Yup, you read it here first.  I'm in the third trimester.

The twins grow a lot each week.  And they move a lot.  So far, we've got a nursery 80% ready (I have a lot of gifts from last week's baby shower to put away and a few pieces of furniture left to pick up).  We have enough clothes to keep both girls clothed for the first year or more of their lives - most of these clothes being hand me downs from my sister's kids and my best friend's daughter.  We even have two car seats.  AND names. 

So I probably haven't updated because I've been so busy doing everything to prepare.  The shock has worn off and I'm now ready to take on the job of mom to twins.  They are identical.  They are girls.  They are going to be spoiled senseless once they come out.  :)

MIA

I realize I've been MIA but I promise it's been for a good reason.

I'm having babies.

Yes, babies.  As in more than one (two to be exact). 

Once the news hit, it was pretty much all I could do to try to function normally and, you know, go to work.  Now that I've had some time to let it sink in, I feel better. 

Babies.  Twins.  Due in November. 

Before I start getting "THE questions" I'll go ahead and answer them.

Yes, we were trying.
Yes, they are natural.  I'm not sure what an artificial twin is, but I assume you are asking if we had infertility treatments.  The answer is no.  We did this all by ourselves.
They are identical. 
That means they will either both be boys or girls.  No, you cannot have one girl and one boy if they are identical because then they wouldn't be very identical would they?
Of course I've gained weight.  I'm pregnant.  With twins.
No, I am not overwhelmed with the thought of taking care of them.  They're babies.  I got a two for one deal.  I'm an efficient person so I can handle this. 
Yes, I will continue to work after I have them.  I have never wanted to be a stay at home mom.  That's just not going to change.

Ok, those are the answers to the top 7 questions I get asked on a daily basis.  If you have something new, feel free to ask!

Please refrain from hitting on my husband...k? Thanks...

There comes a time in every married woman's wife when she realizes she's not the only person who finds her husband attractive.  I mean, we should all KNOW this, but it's like when that ring goes on you think it's a protective barrier of some sort...the ring means taken and taken means no one else is going to look at him like I do again.

It just sucks that it doesn't work out that way, doesn't it?

I've listened to all my (single) girlfriends complain over the past few years about how all the good ones are already married and I think to myself "Yup!  And I GOT HIM!"  Because in my mind, of course, there is only ONE good one.  But he's wearing that protective barrier of a ring so no one else notices, right?  Right.  Ugh...wrong.

A little over a year ago (has it been that long???) the hubby's exgirlfriend started trying to contact him.  He didn't let it happen because of the protective barrier.  And the one time she did get a message through to him he told her to leave him alone.  He is the best hubs ever.  She took it fairly well and has stopped trying to make contact.

More recently, when the hubs and I have been at the gym, I've noticed girls taking a "liking" to him.  Let me remind you, he NEVER leaves the house without the protective barrier ring.  Ever.  But it's like that ring is a beacon now.  It's calling to them.  "He's a good one...someone else married him...you need to try to get him..."  Seriously girls?  Have we no self respect?  Hell, forget the self respect, have we no respect for a marriage?  Have we no respect for God (if you believe in God, that is)?

I've seen a lot of marriages end because of the "other woman."  Luckily my hubs is faithful and caring and puts up his own barrier when someone tries to break through, but some of my friends haven't been so lucky.  SO, why is it that women can't realize that he, whoever he may be, is married to someone else?  And that marriage may be important to him so maybe you shouldn't be chasing him around the track asking if your panty line is showing?  I let hubs handle all these inquiries, until someone touches him.  Then, if need be, I will attack.  It's happened.  Once.  I came out unscathed. 

Side note: I do realize that people do cheat.  I also realize that there could come a time that hubs could cheat on me.  I don't think he would, I think our love is stronger than that, but it's a possibility.  I would just prefer that women stop dangling themselves in front of him.  If he's interested, trust me, he'll come to you.  After all, he came to me that night many many years ago and we've been together ever since.

My mother

My friends and I jokingly refer to my mom as Emily Gilmore.  If you don't understand that reference, simply pick any episode of Gilmore Girls and watch it.  THEN you will understand.  This morning, she called.  The conversation went something like this:

Mom:  "Are you coming to [the town I live in which is 20 miles away from your work] today?" 
Me: "Nope.  Why?" 
Mom: "I need a ride back to [the town you work in]." 
Me: "Um, ok........" 
Mom: "I have to pick up my [insanely expensive gas guzzling vehicle] from the dealership and I can't get to [the town where you work] unless you come get me." 
Me: "I'm at work." 
Mom: "Don't you NEED to come this way today?" 
Me: "No, I need to work." 
Mom: "Can't you come up with a reason to go by [a client's office]?" 
Me: "Not really." 
Mom: "But I have to get my [gas guzzling vehicle] so I can go on vacation!"  
Me: "Why don't you have the dealership bring it to you?" 
Mom: "That would cost me $20!" 
Me: "Um, ok, but if I leave work, drive to [the town where you live], pick you up, and drive back to [the town where I work], that will cost me $200 in billable time." 
Mom: "So?" 
Me: "That's more than $20." 
Mom: "But that's your money." 
Me: "Find another ride." 
Mom: "I don't KNOW anyone other than you and [your sibling] who would be coming to [the town where I live]." 
Me: "And?" 
Mom: "And you're my daughter!" 
Me: "I'm your daughter who works.  Find another ride." 
Mom: "Well, I never..."
Me: "Me either mom...me either..."

Super Bowl Party Part 2

Although our Super Bowl Party was not as fun as I had hoped (for me at least, the uninvited children had a BLAST), Hubs and I did have some good laughs about it later.  As in last night, as we cleaned barbecue sauce off the wall and the cabinets. 

As I mentioned earlier, I didn't get to watch much of the game or many of the commercials.  But Hubs filled me in on what I missed.  I have to start this story by saying that chatty wife is a very religious lady.  Which is great.  I think it's awesome that she feels so strongly about God and religion and being morally correct.  But sometimes, for entertainment value, morals can be loose and I'm ok with that.  Especially when it comes to Super Bowl commercials.

Apparently there was a commercial with Kim Kardashian (I found a link!!!).  When this commercial aired, chatty wife told her husband to cover his eyes because it was so risque.  She looked to me for backup but apparently at the time I was staring at her son as he bounced chicken off my wall so I didn't know what was so upsetting to her.  I did, however, know what was so upsetting to ME at the time...

Prior to that, during the halftime show, Fergie was dancing with Slash in a provocative manner.  She again told her husband to cover his eyes and said to everyone in the room "I just can't believe that they would show things like this on television!"  Hubs told me he heard her say that and ran from the kitchen to the living room so he could see what was going on, fully expecting her to be talking about a Janet Jackson-ish wardrobe malfunction.  She wasn't.  Fergie was simply rubbing up against Slash.  Needless to say, Hubs was greatly disappointed. 

The one commercial I did see, and apparently was able to offend chatty wife during, was a Go Daddy commercial where Jillian and Danica look like they could be nude.  Chatty wife said "Oh no!  Can you believe that?  They are NAKED!"  I responded "If I had Jillian Michaels body I'd do a nude commercial..."  Hubs told me that Chatty wife was standing near him when I said that and said to him "Can you believe she said that?"  Hubs responded "If she had Jillian Michaels body I would totally support her in that dream." 

Quite possibly my favorite commercial that offended Chatty wife featured Faith Hill.  When he said "Your rack is unreal" Chatty wife screeched in horror and said "Oh no!  I can't believe someone would say something like that!"  Everyone else in the room (including her husband) was laughing.  She actually slapped her husband and said "Don't you DARE laugh at that!  That's vulgar!"  Hubs later told me I should fully expect to receive flowers next week that have that same thing on the card.

Super Bowl Etiquette

Hubs and I had a Super Bowl party last night.  We were excited about having people over and having an alcohol free party (Super Bowl Sunday is the only non-alcoholic night in our house).  We told people the party would start "around kickoff."  Perhaps I should have been more specific.

Because when someone tells me that a party starts "around Kickoff" I find out what time kickoff is (6:30) and then I show up about 15 minutes prior.  Why?  Because it's the right thing to do.  Why?  Because if there is food and if you need to put food out you need TIME to do so.  So yesterday I put out all of our food at 6 pm, made the punch and sat down on the couch.  At 6:40 people started to arrive.  10 minutes AFTER kickoff?

These people are so NOT football fans.  Have I mentioned I AM a football fan?

One couple brought wings.  But they weren't cooked!  They had to be cooked.  So I had to go to the kitchen (out of view of the tv) and help the wife put the wings in the oven because, apparently, my oven is too complicated to work if you don't have an advanced degree.

Oh and did I mention this wife wanted to chit chat the entire night?  I was watching football and I was watching for the commercials.  And I couldn't do either of the things I was wanting to do during the Super Bowl because she would not stop talking to me.  I'm cool with sporadic conversation.  But it was non-stop.  And it was all about her child.

Hubs and I are childless currently.  Our house is not child friendly, lots of glass, lots of sharp corners, lots of things for kids to get hurt on.  The party was supposed to be child free.  But sometime, just after half time, those who had left kids with babysitters had their kids dropped off at our house!!!  Suddenly there were small children running around my living room, bumping into my glass TV stand, spilling punch all over my end tables, THROWING chicken wings against my walls!  It was...traumatizing.  Even worse?  The parents weren't stopping them.  At one point, I corrected a little boy who was standing on my La-z-boy leather recliner and almost flipped it backwards.  And chatty wife?  Got onto me for doing it!  "He's not your child!" she said.  I responded "But it is my chair he's about to destroy."

By the time they all left, at 11, I was angry, exhausted and beyond annoyed.  If I hadn't specifically said "No kids" to them, I would understand...but they ALL knew and they still had their kids dropped off.  It was like a conspiracy.  10 couples at my house, a few singles and then suddenly the 6 kids between the 10 couples were here.

And now I have to go clean barbecue sauce off of my walls and carpet...and then I'm going to try to find the Super Bowl commercials online so I can watch them.

I am not this stupid...usually

I swear, I'm not this stupid.  Really.

Yesterday I had to go grocery shopping and my mind was elsewhere.  I knew what I needed.  Chicken.  Milk.  Cheese.  Easy enough.  Our grocery store has some of the worst "fresh" chicken I've ever tasted though so I was looking for a different brand that might taste better.  And there I see the Perdue Farms chicken breasts.  Individually wrapped so you can use what you want and freeze the rest.  I needed 3 pieces, it came with 5.  I'm thinking "This will work."

SO I do what I always do and read the label.  Mostly to see how many ounces each chicken breast was but something caught my eye.  There in big bold letters were the words:
"Vegetarian Diet."

Huh?  Vegetarian diet?  But it's CHICKEN.  Chicken is not a vegetable.  So I stare at the chicken through the plastic thinking "Is this some kind of soy based fake chicken?  Why would they put soy based fake chicken in the meat section?  Shouldn't this say soy based fake chicken instead of chicken breasts on the label?  HOW IS IT VEGETARIAN???" 

I'm so glad I didn't say any of that out loud.

Because then I realize that it wasn't calling the product vegetarian...it was simply stating that the product ATE a vegetarian diet. 

I swear, I am not this stupid.

The House is still standing...barely

So either the crockpot is the safest kitchen appliance EVER or I am one lucky girl.  Seriously.

Yesterday I decided to make a crockpot meal because, let's face it, it's so much easier to dump a bunch of ingredients in a slow cooker, let them cook themselves, and then move on with your day than it is to actually cook dinner.  So I pulled the crockpot from the closet, threw in my ingredients, put it on low and left for the day.

For the DAY.

The meal magically cooked itself, as all crockpot meals do.  We happily ate and I went to start cleaning up the mess.  I noticed as I spooned the remainder of the Swiss Casserole Chicken into a bowl that the stoneware didn't seem to be level in the bottom of the heating base.  I didn't think much of it.  Until I removed the stoneware.

And realized that a Swiffer Duster Refill had somehow landed in the heating base.  It was just laying there.  It wasn't even burnt.  I suppose I could have kept it and used it but I was so shocked to find it in there that I threw it away (as quickly as I could without hubs noticing what I was pulling from the crockpot).

So, one of two things happened.  Either I'm crazy and I store my swiffer duster refills in my crockpot OR when my mom came to visit and we hastily cleaned up the kitchen, MH saw the duster refill laying out, threw it in the closet (with it landing in the heating base) and I then threw the stoneware in the heating base, you know, where it GOES, without realizing the swiffer refill was in there because I'm short and couldn't actually see into the base. 

My bet is the second scenerio is what happened.

Either way, my house did not catch on fire and I am very thankful for that.

My Aunt Died

It's actually not fair for me to spring that on you like that.  She didn't die recently.  She died almost 2 years ago (well, a year and a half - she died in June of 2009).  Then I had another aunt die last June.  Actually, if you are reading this, and you are my aunt, my best advice is lock yourself in your home for the month of June.  Or not...since both aunts died in their home...

Anyway, to the point.  My aunt died in June of 2009.  My aunt also had a facebook account like every other person in this world, except my grandmothers, they don't do facebook...yet.  Obviously we were facebook friends.  We also have quite a few mutual friends, some friends who requested I be their friend after my aunt died.

My aunt and I have one shared friend in particular.  We'll call her Judy because that's her name.  Judy likes to play all those facebook games.  You know, Farmville, CafeWorld, I-have-no-life-so-I-am-going-to-play-on-facebook-all-day-and-pretend-I-do-Land.  And like all other annoying facebook game players, Judy sends requests to everyone.

Everyone, that is, except me because I have FINALLY figured out how to block people from asking me to nail them...or whatever it is they want me to do.

Judy sends these requests almost daily to my dead aunt.  And everyday when I log in I see "Judy just sent [your aunt] a pie in CafeWorld!" or "Judy wants [your aunt] to come milk her cows in Farmville!" or whatever other thing you do in those games.  Every time my aunt's name pops up it...kind of hurts.  Because she's not there to accept the damn pie and she can't milk a cow, especially not on the freaking computer (hello!  Does anyone else find these games as stupid as I do???).

Recently Judy posted on Aunt's wall and said: "Dearest [M's Aunt]: I know you know my intention is honorable. I keep sending you stuff cause it helps me keep your memory alive. There are people who find it to be disrespectful and cruel....but I don't mean it that way. You know that. I know that. Your husband knows that.  It is all that matters."

Um, really?  Sending her a freaking pie on facebook is keeping her memory alive?  Try again Judy.  Why don't you just admit that when the little box pops up that says "These are your friends playing [whatever game]...who do you want to send [something] to?" you pick my aunt every.single.time because her name is on the list and you pick EVERYONE on the list.  We're not stupid.  Keep her memory alive by putting her picture up in your house, not by flooding her facebook wall with stupid game requests she can't answer!  Especially since her teenage son is also on facebook and sees these stupid game requests you send her, just like I see them.

A part of me would like to get Aunt's password from her husband and log in to her account and start responding to all those requests.  Then post on Judy's wall: "Thank you so much for working so hard to keep my memory alive.  Just for that I've decided to come back from the dead.  And haunt you.  Sweet dreams!"

Adventures in Renovations

I mentioned earlier that my life was in disarray because of my kitchen being remodeled.  And then I got stuck at home with no appliances or sinks due to a snow storm.  But then suddenly it was over. 

But the most important part of this is WHO was doing the renovations.  They were very nice men.  But after they left I had the overwhelming desire to clean my kitchen.  With bleach.  When the hubs came home and saw me, with latex gloves on, a bucket of bleach and on my hands and knees scrubbing he just stared.  Then finally...

Hubs: "What are you doing?"

Me: "Disinfecting."

Hubs: "Exactly what is our floor infected with?"

Me:  "Butt Lesions, obviously."  (I realize NOW this was probably not an obvious infection of our ceramic tile).

Hubs: "And where did the tile get butt lesions?"

Me: "From the contractor.  HE has butt lesions."

Hubs: "How do you know?"

Me: "Really?  That's what you want to ask right now?  You don't want to know if the butt lesions are infected with like herpes or Malaria?  Do you not realize I am trying to SAVE our LIVES?"

Hubs: "Well, are they?"
Me: "How would I know?  I didn't ask for a sample of the man's butt lesions!"

Hubs: "How do you know he has butt lesions?"

Me: "Because I am pretty sure he moonlights as a plumber."

To me, that OBVIOUSLY means he doesn't wear a belt.  Or suspenders.  Or freaking underwear that covers his crack.  To Hubs that meant I hired him to do plumbing...

Hubs: "So he....was working on the toilet?"

Me: "Don't be ridiculous.  He puts in tile."

Hubs: "Then how do you know of the butt lesions?"

Me: "Aaron told me!"  (Aaron is a co-worker - a married co-worker who likes women).

Hubs: "And he knows because..."

Me: "You pay no attention.  Aaron SAW the butt lesions when he was bent over."

Hubs:  "Nevermind...I don't REALLY need to know...."

Know Thy Enemies, Part 6

After I returned for Christmas break, things went down hill.  First, the day I returned was also the day of a wake for a fellow law student’s father.  I wasn’t close to the law student so I didn’t think I should go.  Enemy went though, and Kristy went with her.  Kristy was trying to make amends and be friends with everyone.

Kristy told me that night, while they were at Enemy’s mom’s house (did I mention her mom lived about 5 minutes away?) Enemy went on and on about how sorry she felt for me because I wasn’t dating much and it was simply pathetic.  Nevermind I was in law school.  Also, forget the fact that I was dating someone from home (long distance, but whatever).  She decided I was jealous of her pending marriage to Nerd-Boy because I was so pathetic.
A few days later, Enemy told me that she had decided that she didn’t want to pay for the landline telephone.  She decided that since she had a cell phone, she would just use it.  I simply told her ok and asked her to remove the phone from her bedroom and I took the one out of the kitchen so there was only a phone in my bedroom.  A few weeks later (don’t worry, I’ll go back and cover the dramatics of what happened in those two weeks which didn’t involve the phone later), I overheard her telling some girl at school how I was paying for the phone, but I didn’t know she had one in her room she was using for local calls.

So, when people called my phone asking to speak to Enemy, instead of giving out her cell number (or saying “She’s using a cell phone only, may I ask who’s calling and I’ll have her call you back”) I simply said “I’m sorry, wrong number.”  A few times people questioned me so I would say “This is a private line, she doesn’t use it.  You figure out how to get her.”

One day, probably a month after I heard her say she had a phone in her room (I would have gone to check, but she and I had both put locks on our bedroom doors because of the animosity between us), I got home and she wasn’t there.  Needless to say, I was pretty happy.  I called W and closed my bedroom door.  When W and I talk, we usually talk for hours.  At some point during our conversation, there was a beep.  When I looked at the caller ID screen I saw it was Papa Johns or Pizza Hut or some local pizza place.  I decided not to answer and continued talking.  A few minutes later, the same pizza place beeped in.  Again, I didn’t answer.  Finally, there was a third beep from another number so I answered.

“Hey this is Greg from Pizza Place.”

“Ok.”

“Did you order a pizza?”

“Nope.”

“Did your roommate?”

“Doubt it, I’m the only one here.”

“Oh, ok, thanks then.”

I returned to my call with W and about fifteen minutes later, there was a knock on my bedroom door.  I opened to door to see Enemy staring at me.  “Did someone call for me?”

“I don’t think so.  And if they did, shouldn’t they call your cell?”

“Did a pizza guy call?” She was practically yelling.

“OH.  Yeah.  I didn’t know you were home.  I told him I didn’t order a pizza.”  I was laughing on the inside because this was just funny.

“I did!”

“Use your own phone number then.”

“They won’t accept cell phone numbers!  I called them and yelled because they didn’t bring the pizza and they said someone at my house said no one ordered a pizza!!”

"Well, no one from THIS phone number did," I told her pointing at the phone.  "Perhaps you should have thought about that before deciding not to pay for the phone."

Simple Gym Etiquette

I go to the gym every morning.  Ok that's not true.  I try to go to the gym every morning but some mornings I simply don't make it.  But some mornings I do make it.  I made it this morning. 

There's a guy at the gym.  And he kind of thinks he owns the equipment.  As in, every time I am on a machine, he comes over to me and says "You are on my...(insert gym equipment here - bike, elliptical, treadmill...)."  It's gotten to the point that he's a running joke between my friends and I.  However, this morning he wasn't complaining that I was on HIS machine.  This morning I was apparently magnetic.

I was on a bike.  Doing my thing, thinking "I'll do this for 45 minutes, then go lift..."  There was a lady 2 machines down from me doing her thing on the stair stepper.  And Annoying Gym Guy ("AGG") comes over and gets on the bike right next to me.  Did I mention we were the ONLY People in the Cardio room?  JUST us three.  And he picks the bike between me and the lady on the stairstepper.  I continue to bike because I know his workout routine and I was not going to let him bother me.  He'll be on the bike 5 minutes, then off for 10, back on for 5, then gone for 10. 

BUT then another person joined us in the cardio room.  The very large cardio room.  And that person?  Got on the treadmill on the other side of me.  I promise there were other treadmills not near me.  In fact, there are about 20 other treadmills.  And then what does this woman do?

She starts talking to AGG and the lady on the stairstepper telling them about someone with gout and pneumonia and how this person (did I mention AGG and Stairstepper lady didn't know who this sick person is?) was apparently vomitting something green yesterday.

WHILE I WAS WORKING OUT!!!

I understand people want to talk to their friends, but she was not talking about something anyone wanted to hear.  And I was working out!  I ended up getting off the bike after 15 minutes just to get away from the madness.  And because I felt like vomitting after hearing the description of the green vomit.

If you're curious, it was apparently chunky.

My Life is No Longer in Disarray

That means the kitchen is finished.  It's done.  Counters in.  Tiled backsplash done.  The mess the construction crew left?  Cleaned up.  I spent hours on my knees cleaning the tile and the cabinets  but in the end?

WORTH IT.

Now, if I can get up the courage to have them come back and finish the third floor bonus room we might finish all our planned renovations.  Of course, that means locking the cats in a bedroom during the day again...

And the mess of construction.  And butt lesions.

Know Thy Enemies, Part 5

As time went on with Enemy, things got stranger in our apartment. She was “in love” with Nerd-Boy (as she had been so many times before) and was going to marry him. One weekend, prior to the beginning of exams, my best friend called needing me.

Now, normally, W wouldn’t ask, and she didn’t actually ask that night, but we decided to meet halfway between law school and her home. Which put us in Kentucky. I can’t remember exactly why she needed me, but it was important enough for me to drive all night. We decided to head towards each other at about 2 am. Enemy told me not to go. Now, perhaps she was looking out for me, but her reasoning wasn’t that exams were coming up and it was a long drive and late at night. Her reasoning was “W can handle this herself. Why does she need you? Doesn’t she have any OTHER friends?” I met W that night…well…early that morning. We had a good weekend, I got back to school and Enemy was angry at me…for going to my best friend when she needed me. I thought this was the beginning of the end of any sort of civility we had towards one another.

But for some reason, it wasn’t. She began to be nicer to me. Nerd-Boy began to stay with us more often, but she was nicer. This is a side note story that has nothing to do with why she became an enemy, but might make you all laugh. I know you’ve seen people out in public wearing their pajamas…in fact, it’s become a fashion trend in this area (schools even have “Pajama Day”). Our final final exam was on a Thursday. That morning Enemy got dressed for the final by putting on fleece pajamas with sheep on them. Which was interesting, but not as interesting as what else she wore to the final. She put on her gorilla slippers (complete with eyes that flashed red when she walked) and a beret. Now, it’s bad enough she wore this to a final exam, but she also wore it out to eat lunch with a group of us afterwards and then into the liquor store when we went to purchase alcohol for our party that night. I’ll just let you imagine that.

So, I leave and go home for Christmas. Enemy and Nerd-Boy had been dating for around 2 months. During part of their dating time, she was in love with someone…lots of someones….else. I called her the day after Christmas to see if she had a good Christmas and she tells me she and Nerd-Boy are engaged. Now, as I understand it, a normal supportive friend would respond with “Oh! Congrats! That’s so great! I’m so excited!” Well, my reation wasn’t quite so controlled as I just said what came to my mind first. Which pretty much went “What? Isn’t it a little soon?” She explained that a jewelry store was going out of business and she HAD to have THAT ring so he bought it for her and they might as well get engaged at that point because she was in love with him. I then said “And you were in love with Larry and Brant and…(insert other names here).” Side note: she was in fact so in “love” with Brant that when he ignored her at a party, she flipped out and cried for two days. He transferred to another law school, sometimes I wonder if it was to get away from her.

She told me before we got off the phone that a true friend would be happy for her. I said “No a true friend will tell you when she thinks you’re making a mistake. But good luck with that.” Little did I know that one showing of non-support was going to come back to bite me in the ass.

Know Thy Enemies, Part 4

A few weeks after Kristy got out of the hospital, the move occurred.  Kristy moved into a one bedroom (in the same building as Sam) and Enemy moved in with me.  I was actually pretty horrible to Kristy during this time.  I could sit here and defend myself saying that I was listening to Enemy and how could I know what she was saying wasn’t true, but the fact was, I didn’t listen to Kristy.  I even told Kristy that if I had to choose between her and Enemy, I would choose Enemy.  That was a fairly low point.

While Enemy and I were in the moving process, she began talking to her newest love interest, we’ll call him Nerd-boy.  I call him that because Enemy actually began calling him that.  She would tell me how Nerdy-boys turned her on and she wanted to date him.  I thought he was nerdy and unattractive (not to mention he had this strange odor sometimes) but whatever she wanted.

I helped Kristy move, I wouldn’t allow Enemy to bring any of her things over until Kristy was out.  I didn’t want to cause Kristy any more problems and I was beginning to rethink the decision.  As soon as Enemy moved in, things began to become clearer.  The first weekend was fine, we had fun together, we had friends over.  It was the way roommates are supposed to be.  And then it turned the way roommates really are.

Enemy’s Nerd-boy began to stay at the apartment more and more.  We had two bathrooms, so I wasn’t sharing with them (I had one in my bedroom) but they were always in the living room and in the kitchen and just taking over the place.  This was near the end of October.  We decided to go as greek goddesses to the Halloween party that year.  I was Aphrodite and she was Athena.  I had chosen my costume before Enemy and she just decided it would be “more fun” to go as goddesses together.  Then she told me that she should be Aphrodite since that IS the goddes of love and beauty.  I rolled my eyes, bit my lip and led the way out the door.

A week later, Nerd-Boy’s friends came into town and Enemy offered our apartment as a place for everyone to stay.  I got angry and she told me that his place was a small studio and “It hurts my back to sleep on his futon and no one wants me to have a seizure.”  I have no idea how her back hurting and a seizure were related.  I put my foot down and told her they didn’t need to spend every night together and perhaps his friends would like to spend time with him alone.  She wouldn’t hear of that.  I told her what I thought of Nerd-Boy.  That he was nerdy, needy, pathetic and way too attached to her way too fast.  And Enemy…agreed.

She almost broke up with Nerd-Boy that night.  Looking back, I realize it was a way for her to assert control once more.  She fought with him on the phone, came to me crying, telling me it was going to end because I didn’t like him.  “Oh, M, I can’t possibly date a guy that my best friend hates!” she cried.  I told her I didn’t hate him.  I said that there was no reason for her to end a relationship because of me, I just didn’t like him being around ALL the time.  And she called him, said “Let’s work this out, you and your friends come over here so we can talk.”  And, suddenly, her weekend plans had come full circle.  Nerd-Boy and his friends were staying at our apartment, just like she wanted.

That night, one of his friends who’s name I cannot remember for the life of me, we’ll call him Jack for our purposes, was in my room talking to me, telling me how upset Nerd-Boy was about the whole thing.  Then he started to tell me how beautiful I was and how he wanted to “Know” me.  He began to tickle me and I told him to stop.  I was somewhere between laughing (because at first it was innocent and funny) and hysterical when I realized he wasn’t going to stop.  Enemy told me that night, once she, Nerd-Boy and the other friend intervened, that I needed to forget about things that happened in the past and just let guys do what they wanted so they would want/like me.

That incident is what I now know was the beginning of the end of our friendship.

Customer Service or Customer Insults?

We all do it.  We buy things online.  It's so easy.  You make your purchase, you pay with your credit card and it magically appears at your door.  No crowds at the mall.  No driving (for you) in bad weather.  All you do is grab your purse and computer and done!

But we also take a risk shopping online.  I mean, who knows which stores are good and which are bad?  Even if you look at customer reviews, you don't know who wrote the reviews, it could be the store employees/owners themselves talking about how wonderful they are.

I took that risk.  Until I find out for sure if my issue is going to be resolved, I won't mention the name of the store.  However, I made 2 orders.  One order was for 4 pieces (3 Christmas gifts and a gift for myself).  The second order was for 5 pieces (all 5 Christmas gifts).  The first order will be here tomorrow so I hope that it is correct.

The second order got here today.  And inside were only 2 pieces.  When I emailed customer service they actually said to me "No, you are wrong, you only ordered 2 pieces."  Now, I may not be the smartest person in the world but one thing I can do is read.  Another thing I am good at is adding.  I ordered 2 of one thing and 3 of another.  Two plus three is five unless the math rules have changed.  Also, 20 plus 20 is 40 and 15 plus 15 plus 15 is 45.  40 plus 45 is 85.  85 plus 7.50 for shipping is $92.50.  And my credit card charge?  Why, it was exactly $92.50. 

Hopefully this will be resolved today.  Otherwise it's time to dispute the credit card charge!  Why can't Christmas shopping be less stressful???

Afternoon update: after three emails explaining that quantity does not, in fact, mean I just want to pay extra for one item, the store has agreed to ship my missing items via UPS at their own expense. 

Snowed in

I've been snowed in for a few days.  It hasn't been fun.  First off, by snowed in, I mean SNOWED in.  I can't get my SUV out of the garage.  I tried to shovel the snow but to no avail.  And my husband?  He's out of town.  He left before the snow really got bad on Sunday and won't be home until Saturday, at the earliest.

In addition to being snowed in, my kitchen is not finished yet.  And by not finished yet I mean I have no working sinks, my dishwasher is not hooked up, my cooktop is not hooked up and my dining room and living room are cluttered with all the stuff that is supposed to be in my kitchen.  There are also two cabinets laying in my living room (they had to be removed for the granite install).  Last night I had to wash dishes in my bathroom sink.  I can't figure out how I had so many dishes to wash considering I haven't been able to cook.  Luckily I had some food here that was microwaveable.  Otherwise, I'd be wasting away to nothing!

Now, if the temperature will just get over 10, maybe I can get off this hill!

Know Thy Enemies, Part 3

I think it’s time for a little more background on Enemy and what she was doing in law school (at least, what I think she was doing in law school). You see, she was searching for someone to marry. I had always heard of girls (and guys) who entered college and professional schools for the sole purpose of finding someone to marry, especially someone who would make a lot of money.

In the beginning, before school began, we had met a guy who was in our class. We’ll call him Sam. Sam lived across the road from Kristy and I. One day, Kristy, Enemy and I decided to go to the pool at the complex and Enemy wanted to invite Sam. So, the three of us walked over there in our bikinis and shorts to see if he wanted to join us. While we were there, Enemy was doing her best to flirt. Sam was staring at me (according to Enemy). He declined the invite but said we should hang out later. We walked towards the pool and Enemy said, “Ok, M, I guess you can have him since he didn't seem all that interested in me.” As if I needed her permission to go out with someone. Side Note: I never went out with Sam. I didn't want to.

Enemy then started going out with all kinds of guys. She was a pretty girl, a petite blond. She went out with a few and decided she was in love with probably half of them. “I can see me marrying him” came out of her mouth three or four times when talking about different guys.

When we returned from my hometown, Enemy began to harass Kristy. I was kind of oblivious to some of the happenings simply because I was too caught up in school work and, well, work work. Kristy had some anxiety problems (completely common in law school) and Enemy was not helping matters. She would tell Kristy that I was going to move in with her and leave Kristy to pay for the apartment alone and that no one really liked her, she only got invited to go out with all of us because she was my roommate. Kristy tried to tell me these things and, unfortunately, I just laughed her off, thinking she was being silly. Enemy also told Kristy how she would marry before we got out of law school and Kristy would be alone. Apparently the fact that Kristy was there for an education was beyond Enemy.

Then Kristy had a nervous breakdown of sorts. She was visiting a friend and they were discussing Enemy. Kristy got so upset that he had to take her to the hospital. When he called to tell me where they were, I immediately told Enemy to go home, I went to Kristy’s room and got her teddy bear and blankey (yes, she was 22, but sometimes you just want that comfort) and headed to the hospital. Enemy wanted to go with me, but I wouldn't let her because I had this feeling she was the cause of the whole thing.

That night Kristy and I discussed how she was feeling and how stressful law school is and how hard it was for her to be near Enemy and hear how Enemy was going to be my only friend (yes, that’s what she told Kristy) and that Enemy and I were moving somewhere. So Kristy and I made the combined decision that she should move out. Not because I didn't want to be her friend, but because I didn't know how to handle her feelings towards Enemy and still be her roommate. I told her that Enemy just didn't have that many friends in law school and she was latched on to me because I was her friend. I’ll never forget Kristy’s question to me, because had I thought about it then, the move never would have happened. She asked “M, why do you think she doesn't have any friends? Nice people have friends.”

Know Thy Enemies, Part 2

As the story of Enemy continues, I realize I need to back up a little before I go forward. I think the story of the first time I met Enemy, and the story of the first time W (my best friend) met Enemy. For those who have emailed me that this doesn’t seem like an “Enemy” at all, you have to understand, in order to get to the part where she becomes an Enemy, I have to tell the background. Ok, so here we go:

The first time I met Enemy was when I visited the law school I decided to attend. The school sent out “roommate lists” so that we could find someone to live with. Enemy was on the list. I had called her about becoming roommates because she was originally from a town in Virginia. In my head, a Virginia girl could NEVER be that bad (in retrospect, I’ve now met a substantial amount of people from the town where she grew up and I’m fairly certain that there is something in the water there that causes women to be petty and evil and men to be arrogant). Anyway, I called but she had decided to live alone. My exboyfriend, Jay, and I were visiting the area and looking for apartments when I called Enemy once again to get together. She lived near the town and it made sense to at least meet one person prior to entering school. I called, we agreed to go to dinner at Olive Garden.

While sitting at the table, I was explaining to her how I didn’t eat any meat at that time. I ordered some sort of vegetable pasta, she had something with meat sauce and also ordered stuffed mushrooms as an appetizer. She said “They’re stuffed with veggies and cheese, try one.” Ok, I admit, I should have probably known better. I should have read the description, but I was trusting this girl. The mushroom was stuffed with crab meat. I got ill that night from it, but I decided to forgive her. I mean, really, it was an honest mistake according to her.  (I still don't eat any seafood, it always makes me ill). 

A month after school began, I decided to go home for a weekend. September 11th had happened, I missed my family, and my dad had decided to buy me a new car. Enemy went home with me. We made plans with W and when they were introduced, it went something like this.

“This is W. She and I have been best friends for 7 years.” ~Me

“Well, I’m the best friend now.” ~Enemy

Territorial? Yes. Offensive? Yes, especially to W. The three of us left my parent’s house to go out and we ran into another old friend, LK. LK had known W and I both for his entire life and part of the constants in his life was the fact that W and I were best friends. Enemy introduced herself to LK as “M’s new best friend.” LK looked from W to me and back with a weird look on his face, waiting for us to correct her. Instead W and I just kind of looked at each other and shook our heads.

We began to joke with LK about his car. It was one of those Fast and the Furious looking cars and W and I asked him if he was audition for the next Fast and the Furious saga (or something to that effect). LK laughed. Enemy looked at LK and said, “What kind of idiot drives a car like that? Does it make you feel manly? Probably overcompensating.” Those may not have been the exact words, but something equally as offensive. LK told her she was a bitch and told me he didn’t think she was a good friend for me because I’m not a bitch.

I remember the ride back to school when Enemy said to me, “You’re lucky you’re out of that hellhole. Those people are SUCH rednecks. You’re lucky to have me.”

I suppose she meant lucky in that Single White Female sort of way….

Know Thy Enemies, Part 1

I previously posted this story when I first got out of law school.  It's a series about an enemy I had (my only true enemy).  I hope you enjoy it!

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I once had an enemy. I haven’t had THAT many true enemies in my life, but this one was special. This one really tried to hurt me. I’m not using her name, we’ll just call her Enemy. I don’t know if she reads this blog (she read my old blogs, so she may read this one also) and it does no good to put her name on here as it’s a fairly common name and in the event someone who reads this knows her, knows me, doesn’t realize what happened, I don’t want to put Enemy, or myself, in the awkward situation of trying to explain the events and one of us (ok, her, most likely) losing a friend. This is going to be a multiple part entry because this all occurred over the course of three years. Yes, my three years of law school.

I began law school with a roommate who was rather flighty, but over all nice (yes, Kristy, that one is you). I also had a friend named, for your purposes, Enemy. Enemy began to insert herself in the life of Kristy and I. She would be at our apartment every day. She would cook dinner at our place. It was really almost as if the three of us lived there together, only there were just two bedrooms.

I realized early on that most people at law school didn’t like Enemy. She had a nickname. “Crazy [insert Enemy’s real name here]” but I paid no attention to it. I thought she was a nice girl. A little boy crazy, but overall nice. In our first few months of law school, Enemy dated…well, quite honestly, I can’t tell you how many guys there were, but she was in love with each and every one of them. And became quite stalkerish with them. Here is where I began to realize Enemy was not stable:

She called me one day from a guy’s apartment. This guy she had gone out with over the summer, he realized she was crazy (I believe, but I’m not entirely sure as this has been years ago, she began talking about marriage on their second date). The story of this day from him, we’ll call him Larry, is as follows:
Larry was on the patio with his neighbor and they were talking about Enemy. Larry was telling neighbor about the summer and how she tried to become part of his life. She had gone to see him one weekend and introduced herself to all his friends as Larry’s girlfriend. He had only known her a week. She talked about marriage and kids and how she had a brain tumor that was her twin who she had eaten in the womb (I’m not making this stuff up). Anyway, neighbor and Larry were talking about her and Larry walked from the patio into the kitchen and saw her STANDING in his living room. She said the door was open so she came on in to talk. He said “Give me a minute,” and went to tell Neighbor “Crazy Enemy is inside! RUUUUUNNNN!” Neighbor ran to his place telling Lancelot to get him when it was over.

Larry went back into the apartment where Enemy was on the couch reading a magazine. She began to ask him questions about their relationship and what had happened. Larry reminded her “there was no relationship. We just went out a couple of times.” The phone rings. Larry goes into the kitchen to answer and finds it’s an old friend. He carries the cordless phone upstairs as he tells Enemy “I have to take this, show yourself out.”

This is what Larry found out later (I think he knew, but he found out for sure after discussions with Kristy and myself). When he went upstairs, Enemy went into the kitchen and quietly lifted the phone from the wall to listen in. She heard him say, “Thank god you called. Remember Crazy Enemy? She’s here! And she won’t leave! She seems to think we had a relationship over the summer.” He also thought he heard something on the line and asked “Hello? Is someone there?” Enemy said nothing, but quietly hung up the receiver and called me to tell me “I just over heard Larry telling some girl I was crazy and we never had a relationship! I need you, can I come over?”

You have to remember, at this point, I was still her friend. I told her to come over. When she told me she had listened in on his conversation, I told her that was horrible and she should never do that and it was time to get over Larry.

And this, my friends, is the beginning of the Enemy story.