I mentioned earlier that my life was in disarray because of my kitchen being remodeled. And then I got stuck at home with no appliances or sinks due to a snow storm. But then suddenly it was over.
But the most important part of this is WHO was doing the renovations. They were very nice men. But after they left I had the overwhelming desire to clean my kitchen. With bleach. When the hubs came home and saw me, with latex gloves on, a bucket of bleach and on my hands and knees scrubbing he just stared. Then finally...
Hubs: "What are you doing?"
Me: "Disinfecting."
Hubs: "Exactly what is our floor infected with?"
Me: "Butt Lesions, obviously." (I realize NOW this was probably not an obvious infection of our ceramic tile).
Hubs: "And where did the tile get butt lesions?"
Me: "From the contractor. HE has butt lesions."
Hubs: "How do you know?"
Me: "Really? That's what you want to ask right now? You don't want to know if the butt lesions are infected with like herpes or Malaria? Do you not realize I am trying to SAVE our LIVES?"
Hubs: "Well, are they?"
Me: "How would I know? I didn't ask for a sample of the man's butt lesions!"
Hubs: "How do you know he has butt lesions?"
Me: "Because I am pretty sure he moonlights as a plumber."
To me, that OBVIOUSLY means he doesn't wear a belt. Or suspenders. Or freaking underwear that covers his crack. To Hubs that meant I hired him to do plumbing...
Hubs: "So he....was working on the toilet?"
Me: "Don't be ridiculous. He puts in tile."
Hubs: "Then how do you know of the butt lesions?"
Me: "Aaron told me!" (Aaron is a co-worker - a married co-worker who likes women).
Hubs: "And he knows because..."
Me: "You pay no attention. Aaron SAW the butt lesions when he was bent over."
Hubs: "Nevermind...I don't REALLY need to know...."
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Know Thy Enemies, Part 6
After I returned for Christmas break, things went down hill. First, the day I returned was also the day of a wake for a fellow law student’s father. I wasn’t close to the law student so I didn’t think I should go. Enemy went though, and Kristy went with her. Kristy was trying to make amends and be friends with everyone.
Kristy told me that night, while they were at Enemy’s mom’s house (did I mention her mom lived about 5 minutes away?) Enemy went on and on about how sorry she felt for me because I wasn’t dating much and it was simply pathetic. Nevermind I was in law school. Also, forget the fact that I was dating someone from home (long distance, but whatever). She decided I was jealous of her pending marriage to Nerd-Boy because I was so pathetic.
A few days later, Enemy told me that she had decided that she didn’t want to pay for the landline telephone. She decided that since she had a cell phone, she would just use it. I simply told her ok and asked her to remove the phone from her bedroom and I took the one out of the kitchen so there was only a phone in my bedroom. A few weeks later (don’t worry, I’ll go back and cover the dramatics of what happened in those two weeks which didn’t involve the phone later), I overheard her telling some girl at school how I was paying for the phone, but I didn’t know she had one in her room she was using for local calls.
So, when people called my phone asking to speak to Enemy, instead of giving out her cell number (or saying “She’s using a cell phone only, may I ask who’s calling and I’ll have her call you back”) I simply said “I’m sorry, wrong number.” A few times people questioned me so I would say “This is a private line, she doesn’t use it. You figure out how to get her.”
One day, probably a month after I heard her say she had a phone in her room (I would have gone to check, but she and I had both put locks on our bedroom doors because of the animosity between us), I got home and she wasn’t there. Needless to say, I was pretty happy. I called W and closed my bedroom door. When W and I talk, we usually talk for hours. At some point during our conversation, there was a beep. When I looked at the caller ID screen I saw it was Papa Johns or Pizza Hut or some local pizza place. I decided not to answer and continued talking. A few minutes later, the same pizza place beeped in. Again, I didn’t answer. Finally, there was a third beep from another number so I answered.
“Hey this is Greg from Pizza Place.”
“Ok.”
“Did you order a pizza?”
“Nope.”
“Did your roommate?”
“Doubt it, I’m the only one here.”
“Oh, ok, thanks then.”
I returned to my call with W and about fifteen minutes later, there was a knock on my bedroom door. I opened to door to see Enemy staring at me. “Did someone call for me?”
“I don’t think so. And if they did, shouldn’t they call your cell?”
“Did a pizza guy call?” She was practically yelling.
“OH. Yeah. I didn’t know you were home. I told him I didn’t order a pizza.” I was laughing on the inside because this was just funny.
“I did!”
“Use your own phone number then.”
“They won’t accept cell phone numbers! I called them and yelled because they didn’t bring the pizza and they said someone at my house said no one ordered a pizza!!”
"Well, no one from THIS phone number did," I told her pointing at the phone. "Perhaps you should have thought about that before deciding not to pay for the phone."
Kristy told me that night, while they were at Enemy’s mom’s house (did I mention her mom lived about 5 minutes away?) Enemy went on and on about how sorry she felt for me because I wasn’t dating much and it was simply pathetic. Nevermind I was in law school. Also, forget the fact that I was dating someone from home (long distance, but whatever). She decided I was jealous of her pending marriage to Nerd-Boy because I was so pathetic.
A few days later, Enemy told me that she had decided that she didn’t want to pay for the landline telephone. She decided that since she had a cell phone, she would just use it. I simply told her ok and asked her to remove the phone from her bedroom and I took the one out of the kitchen so there was only a phone in my bedroom. A few weeks later (don’t worry, I’ll go back and cover the dramatics of what happened in those two weeks which didn’t involve the phone later), I overheard her telling some girl at school how I was paying for the phone, but I didn’t know she had one in her room she was using for local calls.
So, when people called my phone asking to speak to Enemy, instead of giving out her cell number (or saying “She’s using a cell phone only, may I ask who’s calling and I’ll have her call you back”) I simply said “I’m sorry, wrong number.” A few times people questioned me so I would say “This is a private line, she doesn’t use it. You figure out how to get her.”
One day, probably a month after I heard her say she had a phone in her room (I would have gone to check, but she and I had both put locks on our bedroom doors because of the animosity between us), I got home and she wasn’t there. Needless to say, I was pretty happy. I called W and closed my bedroom door. When W and I talk, we usually talk for hours. At some point during our conversation, there was a beep. When I looked at the caller ID screen I saw it was Papa Johns or Pizza Hut or some local pizza place. I decided not to answer and continued talking. A few minutes later, the same pizza place beeped in. Again, I didn’t answer. Finally, there was a third beep from another number so I answered.
“Hey this is Greg from Pizza Place.”
“Ok.”
“Did you order a pizza?”
“Nope.”
“Did your roommate?”
“Doubt it, I’m the only one here.”
“Oh, ok, thanks then.”
I returned to my call with W and about fifteen minutes later, there was a knock on my bedroom door. I opened to door to see Enemy staring at me. “Did someone call for me?”
“I don’t think so. And if they did, shouldn’t they call your cell?”
“Did a pizza guy call?” She was practically yelling.
“OH. Yeah. I didn’t know you were home. I told him I didn’t order a pizza.” I was laughing on the inside because this was just funny.
“I did!”
“Use your own phone number then.”
“They won’t accept cell phone numbers! I called them and yelled because they didn’t bring the pizza and they said someone at my house said no one ordered a pizza!!”
"Well, no one from THIS phone number did," I told her pointing at the phone. "Perhaps you should have thought about that before deciding not to pay for the phone."
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Simple Gym Etiquette
I go to the gym every morning. Ok that's not true. I try to go to the gym every morning but some mornings I simply don't make it. But some mornings I do make it. I made it this morning.
There's a guy at the gym. And he kind of thinks he owns the equipment. As in, every time I am on a machine, he comes over to me and says "You are on my...(insert gym equipment here - bike, elliptical, treadmill...)." It's gotten to the point that he's a running joke between my friends and I. However, this morning he wasn't complaining that I was on HIS machine. This morning I was apparently magnetic.
I was on a bike. Doing my thing, thinking "I'll do this for 45 minutes, then go lift..." There was a lady 2 machines down from me doing her thing on the stair stepper. And Annoying Gym Guy ("AGG") comes over and gets on the bike right next to me. Did I mention we were the ONLY People in the Cardio room? JUST us three. And he picks the bike between me and the lady on the stairstepper. I continue to bike because I know his workout routine and I was not going to let him bother me. He'll be on the bike 5 minutes, then off for 10, back on for 5, then gone for 10.
BUT then another person joined us in the cardio room. The very large cardio room. And that person? Got on the treadmill on the other side of me. I promise there were other treadmills not near me. In fact, there are about 20 other treadmills. And then what does this woman do?
She starts talking to AGG and the lady on the stairstepper telling them about someone with gout and pneumonia and how this person (did I mention AGG and Stairstepper lady didn't know who this sick person is?) was apparently vomitting something green yesterday.
WHILE I WAS WORKING OUT!!!
I understand people want to talk to their friends, but she was not talking about something anyone wanted to hear. And I was working out! I ended up getting off the bike after 15 minutes just to get away from the madness. And because I felt like vomitting after hearing the description of the green vomit.
If you're curious, it was apparently chunky.
There's a guy at the gym. And he kind of thinks he owns the equipment. As in, every time I am on a machine, he comes over to me and says "You are on my...(insert gym equipment here - bike, elliptical, treadmill...)." It's gotten to the point that he's a running joke between my friends and I. However, this morning he wasn't complaining that I was on HIS machine. This morning I was apparently magnetic.
I was on a bike. Doing my thing, thinking "I'll do this for 45 minutes, then go lift..." There was a lady 2 machines down from me doing her thing on the stair stepper. And Annoying Gym Guy ("AGG") comes over and gets on the bike right next to me. Did I mention we were the ONLY People in the Cardio room? JUST us three. And he picks the bike between me and the lady on the stairstepper. I continue to bike because I know his workout routine and I was not going to let him bother me. He'll be on the bike 5 minutes, then off for 10, back on for 5, then gone for 10.
BUT then another person joined us in the cardio room. The very large cardio room. And that person? Got on the treadmill on the other side of me. I promise there were other treadmills not near me. In fact, there are about 20 other treadmills. And then what does this woman do?
She starts talking to AGG and the lady on the stairstepper telling them about someone with gout and pneumonia and how this person (did I mention AGG and Stairstepper lady didn't know who this sick person is?) was apparently vomitting something green yesterday.
WHILE I WAS WORKING OUT!!!
I understand people want to talk to their friends, but she was not talking about something anyone wanted to hear. And I was working out! I ended up getting off the bike after 15 minutes just to get away from the madness. And because I felt like vomitting after hearing the description of the green vomit.
If you're curious, it was apparently chunky.
Monday, December 27, 2010
My Life is No Longer in Disarray
That means the kitchen is finished. It's done. Counters in. Tiled backsplash done. The mess the construction crew left? Cleaned up. I spent hours on my knees cleaning the tile and the cabinets but in the end?
WORTH IT.
Now, if I can get up the courage to have them come back and finish the third floor bonus room we might finish all our planned renovations. Of course, that means locking the cats in a bedroom during the day again...
And the mess of construction. And butt lesions.
WORTH IT.
Now, if I can get up the courage to have them come back and finish the third floor bonus room we might finish all our planned renovations. Of course, that means locking the cats in a bedroom during the day again...
And the mess of construction. And butt lesions.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Know Thy Enemies, Part 5
As time went on with Enemy, things got stranger in our apartment. She was “in love” with Nerd-Boy (as she had been so many times before) and was going to marry him. One weekend, prior to the beginning of exams, my best friend called needing me.
Now, normally, W wouldn’t ask, and she didn’t actually ask that night, but we decided to meet halfway between law school and her home. Which put us in Kentucky. I can’t remember exactly why she needed me, but it was important enough for me to drive all night. We decided to head towards each other at about 2 am. Enemy told me not to go. Now, perhaps she was looking out for me, but her reasoning wasn’t that exams were coming up and it was a long drive and late at night. Her reasoning was “W can handle this herself. Why does she need you? Doesn’t she have any OTHER friends?” I met W that night…well…early that morning. We had a good weekend, I got back to school and Enemy was angry at me…for going to my best friend when she needed me. I thought this was the beginning of the end of any sort of civility we had towards one another.
But for some reason, it wasn’t. She began to be nicer to me. Nerd-Boy began to stay with us more often, but she was nicer. This is a side note story that has nothing to do with why she became an enemy, but might make you all laugh. I know you’ve seen people out in public wearing their pajamas…in fact, it’s become a fashion trend in this area (schools even have “Pajama Day”). Our final final exam was on a Thursday. That morning Enemy got dressed for the final by putting on fleece pajamas with sheep on them. Which was interesting, but not as interesting as what else she wore to the final. She put on her gorilla slippers (complete with eyes that flashed red when she walked) and a beret. Now, it’s bad enough she wore this to a final exam, but she also wore it out to eat lunch with a group of us afterwards and then into the liquor store when we went to purchase alcohol for our party that night. I’ll just let you imagine that.
So, I leave and go home for Christmas. Enemy and Nerd-Boy had been dating for around 2 months. During part of their dating time, she was in love with someone…lots of someones….else. I called her the day after Christmas to see if she had a good Christmas and she tells me she and Nerd-Boy are engaged. Now, as I understand it, a normal supportive friend would respond with “Oh! Congrats! That’s so great! I’m so excited!” Well, my reation wasn’t quite so controlled as I just said what came to my mind first. Which pretty much went “What? Isn’t it a little soon?” She explained that a jewelry store was going out of business and she HAD to have THAT ring so he bought it for her and they might as well get engaged at that point because she was in love with him. I then said “And you were in love with Larry and Brant and…(insert other names here).” Side note: she was in fact so in “love” with Brant that when he ignored her at a party, she flipped out and cried for two days. He transferred to another law school, sometimes I wonder if it was to get away from her.
She told me before we got off the phone that a true friend would be happy for her. I said “No a true friend will tell you when she thinks you’re making a mistake. But good luck with that.” Little did I know that one showing of non-support was going to come back to bite me in the ass.
Friday, December 17, 2010
Know Thy Enemies, Part 4
A few weeks after Kristy got out of the hospital, the move occurred. Kristy moved into a one bedroom (in the same building as Sam) and Enemy moved in with me. I was actually pretty horrible to Kristy during this time. I could sit here and defend myself saying that I was listening to Enemy and how could I know what she was saying wasn’t true, but the fact was, I didn’t listen to Kristy. I even told Kristy that if I had to choose between her and Enemy, I would choose Enemy. That was a fairly low point.
While Enemy and I were in the moving process, she began talking to her newest love interest, we’ll call him Nerd-boy. I call him that because Enemy actually began calling him that. She would tell me how Nerdy-boys turned her on and she wanted to date him. I thought he was nerdy and unattractive (not to mention he had this strange odor sometimes) but whatever she wanted.
I helped Kristy move, I wouldn’t allow Enemy to bring any of her things over until Kristy was out. I didn’t want to cause Kristy any more problems and I was beginning to rethink the decision. As soon as Enemy moved in, things began to become clearer. The first weekend was fine, we had fun together, we had friends over. It was the way roommates are supposed to be. And then it turned the way roommates really are.
Enemy’s Nerd-boy began to stay at the apartment more and more. We had two bathrooms, so I wasn’t sharing with them (I had one in my bedroom) but they were always in the living room and in the kitchen and just taking over the place. This was near the end of October. We decided to go as greek goddesses to the Halloween party that year. I was Aphrodite and she was Athena. I had chosen my costume before Enemy and she just decided it would be “more fun” to go as goddesses together. Then she told me that she should be Aphrodite since that IS the goddes of love and beauty. I rolled my eyes, bit my lip and led the way out the door.
A week later, Nerd-Boy’s friends came into town and Enemy offered our apartment as a place for everyone to stay. I got angry and she told me that his place was a small studio and “It hurts my back to sleep on his futon and no one wants me to have a seizure.” I have no idea how her back hurting and a seizure were related. I put my foot down and told her they didn’t need to spend every night together and perhaps his friends would like to spend time with him alone. She wouldn’t hear of that. I told her what I thought of Nerd-Boy. That he was nerdy, needy, pathetic and way too attached to her way too fast. And Enemy…agreed.
She almost broke up with Nerd-Boy that night. Looking back, I realize it was a way for her to assert control once more. She fought with him on the phone, came to me crying, telling me it was going to end because I didn’t like him. “Oh, M, I can’t possibly date a guy that my best friend hates!” she cried. I told her I didn’t hate him. I said that there was no reason for her to end a relationship because of me, I just didn’t like him being around ALL the time. And she called him, said “Let’s work this out, you and your friends come over here so we can talk.” And, suddenly, her weekend plans had come full circle. Nerd-Boy and his friends were staying at our apartment, just like she wanted.
That night, one of his friends who’s name I cannot remember for the life of me, we’ll call him Jack for our purposes, was in my room talking to me, telling me how upset Nerd-Boy was about the whole thing. Then he started to tell me how beautiful I was and how he wanted to “Know” me. He began to tickle me and I told him to stop. I was somewhere between laughing (because at first it was innocent and funny) and hysterical when I realized he wasn’t going to stop. Enemy told me that night, once she, Nerd-Boy and the other friend intervened, that I needed to forget about things that happened in the past and just let guys do what they wanted so they would want/like me.
That incident is what I now know was the beginning of the end of our friendship.
While Enemy and I were in the moving process, she began talking to her newest love interest, we’ll call him Nerd-boy. I call him that because Enemy actually began calling him that. She would tell me how Nerdy-boys turned her on and she wanted to date him. I thought he was nerdy and unattractive (not to mention he had this strange odor sometimes) but whatever she wanted.
I helped Kristy move, I wouldn’t allow Enemy to bring any of her things over until Kristy was out. I didn’t want to cause Kristy any more problems and I was beginning to rethink the decision. As soon as Enemy moved in, things began to become clearer. The first weekend was fine, we had fun together, we had friends over. It was the way roommates are supposed to be. And then it turned the way roommates really are.
Enemy’s Nerd-boy began to stay at the apartment more and more. We had two bathrooms, so I wasn’t sharing with them (I had one in my bedroom) but they were always in the living room and in the kitchen and just taking over the place. This was near the end of October. We decided to go as greek goddesses to the Halloween party that year. I was Aphrodite and she was Athena. I had chosen my costume before Enemy and she just decided it would be “more fun” to go as goddesses together. Then she told me that she should be Aphrodite since that IS the goddes of love and beauty. I rolled my eyes, bit my lip and led the way out the door.
A week later, Nerd-Boy’s friends came into town and Enemy offered our apartment as a place for everyone to stay. I got angry and she told me that his place was a small studio and “It hurts my back to sleep on his futon and no one wants me to have a seizure.” I have no idea how her back hurting and a seizure were related. I put my foot down and told her they didn’t need to spend every night together and perhaps his friends would like to spend time with him alone. She wouldn’t hear of that. I told her what I thought of Nerd-Boy. That he was nerdy, needy, pathetic and way too attached to her way too fast. And Enemy…agreed.
She almost broke up with Nerd-Boy that night. Looking back, I realize it was a way for her to assert control once more. She fought with him on the phone, came to me crying, telling me it was going to end because I didn’t like him. “Oh, M, I can’t possibly date a guy that my best friend hates!” she cried. I told her I didn’t hate him. I said that there was no reason for her to end a relationship because of me, I just didn’t like him being around ALL the time. And she called him, said “Let’s work this out, you and your friends come over here so we can talk.” And, suddenly, her weekend plans had come full circle. Nerd-Boy and his friends were staying at our apartment, just like she wanted.
That night, one of his friends who’s name I cannot remember for the life of me, we’ll call him Jack for our purposes, was in my room talking to me, telling me how upset Nerd-Boy was about the whole thing. Then he started to tell me how beautiful I was and how he wanted to “Know” me. He began to tickle me and I told him to stop. I was somewhere between laughing (because at first it was innocent and funny) and hysterical when I realized he wasn’t going to stop. Enemy told me that night, once she, Nerd-Boy and the other friend intervened, that I needed to forget about things that happened in the past and just let guys do what they wanted so they would want/like me.
That incident is what I now know was the beginning of the end of our friendship.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Customer Service or Customer Insults?
We all do it. We buy things online. It's so easy. You make your purchase, you pay with your credit card and it magically appears at your door. No crowds at the mall. No driving (for you) in bad weather. All you do is grab your purse and computer and done!
But we also take a risk shopping online. I mean, who knows which stores are good and which are bad? Even if you look at customer reviews, you don't know who wrote the reviews, it could be the store employees/owners themselves talking about how wonderful they are.
I took that risk. Until I find out for sure if my issue is going to be resolved, I won't mention the name of the store. However, I made 2 orders. One order was for 4 pieces (3 Christmas gifts and a gift for myself). The second order was for 5 pieces (all 5 Christmas gifts). The first order will be here tomorrow so I hope that it is correct.
The second order got here today. And inside were only 2 pieces. When I emailed customer service they actually said to me "No, you are wrong, you only ordered 2 pieces." Now, I may not be the smartest person in the world but one thing I can do is read. Another thing I am good at is adding. I ordered 2 of one thing and 3 of another. Two plus three is five unless the math rules have changed. Also, 20 plus 20 is 40 and 15 plus 15 plus 15 is 45. 40 plus 45 is 85. 85 plus 7.50 for shipping is $92.50. And my credit card charge? Why, it was exactly $92.50.
Hopefully this will be resolved today. Otherwise it's time to dispute the credit card charge! Why can't Christmas shopping be less stressful???
Afternoon update: after three emails explaining that quantity does not, in fact, mean I just want to pay extra for one item, the store has agreed to ship my missing items via UPS at their own expense.
But we also take a risk shopping online. I mean, who knows which stores are good and which are bad? Even if you look at customer reviews, you don't know who wrote the reviews, it could be the store employees/owners themselves talking about how wonderful they are.
I took that risk. Until I find out for sure if my issue is going to be resolved, I won't mention the name of the store. However, I made 2 orders. One order was for 4 pieces (3 Christmas gifts and a gift for myself). The second order was for 5 pieces (all 5 Christmas gifts). The first order will be here tomorrow so I hope that it is correct.
The second order got here today. And inside were only 2 pieces. When I emailed customer service they actually said to me "No, you are wrong, you only ordered 2 pieces." Now, I may not be the smartest person in the world but one thing I can do is read. Another thing I am good at is adding. I ordered 2 of one thing and 3 of another. Two plus three is five unless the math rules have changed. Also, 20 plus 20 is 40 and 15 plus 15 plus 15 is 45. 40 plus 45 is 85. 85 plus 7.50 for shipping is $92.50. And my credit card charge? Why, it was exactly $92.50.
Hopefully this will be resolved today. Otherwise it's time to dispute the credit card charge! Why can't Christmas shopping be less stressful???
Afternoon update: after three emails explaining that quantity does not, in fact, mean I just want to pay extra for one item, the store has agreed to ship my missing items via UPS at their own expense.
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